Alethea & Athena (double_dear) wrote,
Alethea & Athena
double_dear

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Here's my sign.

I spent part of last night and part of this morning beating myself up over nothing. I say beating myself up, but it's really more like taking a metaphorical knife and using it to carve intricate designs into my skin, because the pain is more acute, less random, and more pointless and psychotic.

Really, it's just bad timing. That, and the 2-Variable Intuition Test that's been going around, because we came out on the lower left quadrant of the graph, which, as those of you who have taken it know, is labeled "stupid."

Normally, we'd just write it off as a stupid test--it doesn't mean anything. And in fact, that is what we've been doing, as well as pointing out elements of it that indicate that it really doesn't mean anything. But there's still that little nagging feeling that keeps asking, "What if it's right?"

This is especially difficult to shake off, because lately, we've been feeling stupid and helpless because of the whole work thing and the whole lease thing and everything. We also got a lot of negative reinforcement in the past, oh, say, ten, fifteen years. Actually, I would love to give examples, but we'll just leave at the fact that our mother is very good at finding the exact thing to say which will cause the most pain, and our sisters have inherited that trait. In the case of our sisters, it's really only a problem when our oldest sister decides to use that ability, saying things like, "I'm only trying to be nice to you; it's a wonder anybody is."

And when this comment comes after a year of having roommates who won't talk to you, it's hard to deny that that statement might be true. In fact, we're still kind of in awe that our home teacher is as nice to us as he is.

So to distract myself, I think about Zidane. He's actually very similar, if you think about it. You can see that he's very confident most of the time, but there are those scenes where you can tell he's got those insecurities. This is something we've been noticing as we've been playing this last time, because we noticed that he got a lot of negative reinforcement too, thanks to good ol' Steiner. This may be why Zidane was a little more venomous toward Steiner in the scene after they got out of Evil Forest this time around.

Athena even pointed out that every time Steiner insulted Zidane, Zidane never denied what Steiner said. He'd often shift any blame back onto Steiner, but he never said that he was any different than Steiner said he was.

Maybe that doesn't really mean anything, but it doesn't change the fact that Zidane did not hesitate to hit on the princess, even knowing it was her, until he had had some experience dealing with Steiner. And even when he was in Lindblum before arranging the whole date thing, he was talking about how he'd probably never see her again until Bunce and Lucella came along. And as far as they know, Zidane's one of the coolest people ever, and why shouldn't he be able to marry the princess? You gotta love little kids.



I'm actually feeling a lot better now, but I wanted to type this out because I thought my analogy at the beginning was clever, in a disturbed sort of way. That, and I wanted to try generating some more interest in Final Fantasy IX with my little Zidane analysis. I could have used my Fruits Basket analogy, but everyone likes Fruits Basket already anyway, and it's kind of more spoilerish, since those books haven't come out in English yet.
Tags: angst, final fantasy ix
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