Alethea & Athena (double_dear) wrote,
Alethea & Athena

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*hugs everyone* Thanks for all the birthday wishes!!

Well, we survived yesterday. Actually, things went pretty well. We even got to watch Spirited Away. I can't quite figure out why I was so upset by the end of it. Maybe it's that Spirited Away was about the only thing we got a say in. No, that's not true. Steve asked us what kind of cake we wanted in those e-mails about Mother's Day. We even practically chose our presents. In that, "Oh, there's that DVD I would like if I didn't have eight thousand other DVDs I want first," kind of way. That's the problem with going to Target before BestBuy. If only we'd known all we'd get was one DVD each. Well, actually, I suspected that might be the case. I should have been louder when I said, "Yes, I do want that DVD, but there are others I'd rather have."

Okay, so maybe the problem was that we were greedy for presents, but mostly just from Mom, because we feel like, as our Mom, she would get us better, or more, presents. And after all the stuff that's happened this past year, we feel like she owes us. That sounds horrible, though. A kid thinking their parent owes them. It does seem kind of unfair that Sarah got a digital camera and we each got a DVD. But Mom doesn't profit from buying us off like she did when it was Sarah's birthday. And that's another really horrible thing to say. And yet I don't erase it.

And it's not just the presents thing. I don't know. I have this condition where my instincts will tell me I don't like something before my brain can figure out why, and since my instincts have a habit of being selfish, I don't always feel justified in my displeasure. The problem with that is now I have a bad habit of not talking to people when something happens to upset me because I haven't figured out if I have a legitimate reason to be upset, and communication gets bad. And then I don't get a chance to talk to them later, or I think that since I was being petty to begin with, all I have to do is forget about it and they won't remember that I was upset, and it's all sorts of icky.

I think the most frustrating thing is that they seem to only be nice to us out of obligation, or because the little kids like us. Like they have this happy family and we're only there for a little bit of extra entertainment. Maybe that's why we didn't get to choose the board game even though it was our birthday. Although, Athena points out that it might be because we wanted to play Clue and Mom didn't want to lose to Steve again, but that's not fair because they never let us play Clue, so we don't know if Steve is really the Clue master.

Or it might be that she really did want to get to know us by playing Loaded Questions. I think it's kind of hard to get to know someone with their method of playing though. See, what happens is, a question is asked of everyone playing (except the person whose turn it is), they write down their answers, and the answers are read out loud so the person whose turn it is can guess who wrote down what. When the question is something like, "What two people would you like to stand next to in a picture," I don't think you really get to know us by saying, "Crazy Japanese names... that must be one of the Twins."

Maybe I'm upset with myself. Obviously, we don't feel like we belong in that family. But I don't want to belong to that family. The creation of that family caused a lot of pain for us, and every time we tried to go to Mom to get her to understand, she told us we were being selfish. None of our arguments held any water because we were 22 years old and should have been out of the house, on our own, long ago. This is of course disregarding the fact that she was the one who kept telling us how nice it would be for us to be back after we graduated, which is a big part of why we moved back in with her to begin with.

Man, it feels like all my entries are such pity parties. I guess it's that, as much as we try to get over it, it doesn't go away. Maybe we're not trying hard enough...

Okay, I guess I'm done ranting now. I wish I could express myself better; it all seems pretty jumbled.
Tags: angst, family issues, rambling

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